The Neanderthal Post

Survival of the Blog

Who Will Die in 2010?

A lot of celebrities died in 2009, and many of them, like Brittany Murphy, were highly unpredictable. That’s why we’ve decided to take some initiative and make some celebrity death predictions for 2010.

Dick Clark used to be called The Boy Who Couldn’t Age.  Then he aged all at once really quickly.  Clark suffered from a stroke in 2004, and since then he’s been on the way out.  He’s still been co-hosting the New Year’s Rockin’ Eve” television special every year, but you can see that he’s slipping.  Last year, he wished the entire country a “Happeneryer” at midnight.  When your job is saying “Happy New Year” and you can’t do that anymore, that means it’s time to go.
 
Predicted Cause of Death: Dick loses control of his electric wheelchair, plows into the new years ball, and blacks out Times Square on live TV. That night, he dies peacefully in his sleep.
Larry King has been hosting Larry King Live for 25 years. He was really old when it started, and now he’s 25 years older really old.  he’s a f*cking dinosaur.  It looks like Larry drank from the wrong cup at the end of The Last Crusade, but then he stopped the rapid aging process in the middle, so he looks like he’s 300 years old, but he can still get around okay.  Unfortunately, you can only look 300 for so long.
 
Predicted Cause of Death: Larry will bump into a person on the street, causing his amulet necklace to slip free, fall to the ground and shatter, after which Larry will disintegrate into dust. It will later be determined that Larry’s ancient egyptian amulet held a curse that was the only thing keeping his mummified body alive.
 
This is an easy one.  People are amazed that she’s survived this long.  People actually congratulate Amy when they see that she’s still alive.  She parties hard, she’s not gonna slow down until she’s long gone, and nobody will be at all surprised when she dies.
 
Predicted Cause of Death: She’ll suffocate in a locked dumpster that she crawled into to smoke some crack.
The Bandit is not doing too well lately. His health is starting to fail, and he recently went to rehab for an addiction to prescription painkillers.  Burt entered rehab after his housekeeper found him lying unconscious in a pool of blood.  Apparently he’d been badly cut and was bleeding out.  It seems like Burt doesn’t like getting old, and once you get to that point, it’s only a matter of time.
 
Predicted Cause of Death: Burt will suffocate on his own mustache.
Lindsay Lohan is young, hot, rich, and crazy.  That’s a bad combo.  She’s fallen apart over the past couple of years, and it looks like she’ll be staying the course in 2010.  She’s completely self-destructive, and now she’s desperate to revitalize her career.  She probably has some kind of an ace up her sleeve, but if that doesn’t do the trick, then she’s definitely on suicide watch.
 
Predicted Cause of Death: Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of booze and coke.

January 3, 2010 - Posted by | Art/Culture, Celebs, Humor, News | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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