The Neanderthal Post

Survival of the Blog

4 Things to Never Joke About With Your Man

By Chris Connolly    Cosmopolitan.com

For most guys, a kick-ass sense of humor in a woman ranks right up there with a nice rack. And though we pride ourselves on being able to take ribbing as well as we dish it out, some material is just no laughing matter to us. Consider the following subjects unsuitable comic fodder.

His Future Hair Loss

With the exception of Hollywood types like Vin Diesel, most guys with shiny chrome domes are not deemed the sexiest man alive. That’s why many guys stress about potential future loss. And if there’s even a hint of thinning, it’s certain to be a really sore subject. “I once had a date joke that I better grab a hat because it was chilly outside and she didn’t want my scalp to catch a cold,” says Rich*, 30. “Look I know my lid is starting to look a little lean, but I don’t need a woman reminding me…even if it’s in jest.”

His Paltry Payback

Yes, it’s a little Stone Age, but we men consider it our manly obligation to bring home the bacon. When our salary doesn’t stack up, we feel totally emasculated. It’s like we measure our worth in a relationship to our wallet (or at least we think you do). So you can see why kidding around about your sugar-mama status isn’t exactly our idea of stand-up. “I know it’s wrong, but I’m embarrassed that my girlfriend outearns me,” admits Andrew, 28. “She once made a quip about letting me stay home Mr.Mom -style while she supported us, and I lost it. We’ve since come to an understanding that until I hit the lottery or open my own restaurant, money is something that can’t be taken lightly.” Bottom line: It’s not that we don’t appreciate your alpha-female status. We just don’t want to be your beta boy toy.

His Mom

It’s a rule that dates back to the playgroud: Once you start dissing a boy’s mother, things are going to get ugly. Sure, he’s allowed to goof on her Hawaiian muumuus, burned Bundt cake, and obsession with Richard Simmons, but when you chime in, it’s a different story. “I love my mom to death. She’s a total character,” says Josh, 30. “I bust on her nonstop, and she gives it right back to me. But if my girlfriend added her two cents, I’d find it totally disrespectful.” Bonus tip: Sisters are untouchable too.

His Member

In a nutshell, keep Johnson jokes to yourself—especially if you ever want his penis to come out to play again. Our “boys” are serious business. There’s nothing comedic about commentary on any of the following: size (or more accurately, lack thereof), shape, and color. Just ask Bill, 26: “I’m sensitive about the fact that my package is a shade darker than the rest of my flesh. I was once with a girl who took one look, giggled, and named him the Dark Horse. It made me so self-conscious that I couldn’t perform.” Your best bet? Stay mute about his member…unless you feel compelled to characterize it as monstrous.

*Names have been changed.

December 26, 2009 Posted by | Dating/Sex, Love | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Decoding Men’s Oddball Love Signals

WebMD Feature from “Redbook” Magazine

By Ty Wenger

Fifteen years ago, I found myself in a romantic pickle: Cheryl, a woman I had been dating for about three months, was nearing her 25th birthday. The birthday gift in any three-month-old relationship is a dicey one, and I deliberated over it for weeks. Too big too soon and it could look like I was trying too hard. Too little and I might appear indifferent. Too romantic and I’d run the risk of setting the bar too high.   And so it was with great enthusiasm that I finally unveiled the gift. It was heavy — about 8 pounds. And big — the size of a bowling ball. In fact, as Cheryl discovered after excitedly tearing off the wrapping paper, it was a bowling ball. And not just any bowling ball, but a blue, personalized bowling ball (“The Spanker,” the twin to the 12-pounder I had bought myself: “The Wanker”). And the pièce de résistance: Both balls came in matching brown pleather bags.

Hoisting the ball onto her lap, Cheryl turned to me. I saw several emotions pass across her face: shock, confusion, profound disappointment, then her dawning realization that how she responded to this present — this idiotic present — might well determine the fate of our relationship. She looked down, collected her thoughts, and raised her eyes to mine. “I love it!” she lied. “Let’s go bowling tonight!”   Four years later, despite the bowling ball, Cheryl consented to marry me — and we have lived happily ever after. (And, yes, we still have the balls, and the pleather bags, and we bowl about as much as we did in the first three months of our relationship, which was almost never.) In fact, it could be argued that the success of our marriage owes, in part, to that very moment. Because on that day (and many, many days thereafter) my wife made a conscious choice: to see my hapless effort at romance not as a personal affront but as a love note written by a man in his own foreign language.

“Men do affection in ways that are not easily recognizable to women,” explains couples coach Warren Farrell, Ph.D., author of Why Men Are the Way They Are. “The fundamental difference is that men tend to do, and women tend to talk — and much gets lost in translation. He feels frustrated, misunderstood; she feels like he just doesn’t care. If you can learn to read the signals he’s trying to send, however, he’s going to feel like his method of loving is being appreciated. He’ll probably feel like a good person. And then he’ll be more open to hearing something else — like how he could be even better.” The point is, once you recognize your guy’s less-than-smooth gestures as the clumsy signs of affection they are, you’ll probably realize that he is grateful for you in more ways than you ever knew.

So how, exactly, do we big dunderheads express our love for you? Let us count the ways.  Continue reading…

December 17, 2009 Posted by | Dating/Sex, Health/Sports, Love | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Talk to Your Man So He’ll Listen

Communicate with your man with these expert tips and you’ll never–we repeat, never– get tuned out by him again.

Ever notice how even the nicest guy can act like an insensitive dolt when you’re trying to convey something important—your fear of being fired, that you’re drifting apart from your best friend, even how bummed you are that the two of you have hit a sexual dry spell? It’s not that he doesn’t care—really it isn’t—it’s just that men process information much differently than women, and as a result, your words often get lost in translation. But don’t stress, the solution is simple: Learn how to talk to your man. We’ve got great communicating tips.    Continue reading…

November 22, 2009 Posted by | Dating/Sex | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Man Stabbed Self To Keep Job

Meet Aaron Siebers. The 27-year-old Denver man, a Blockbuster employee, was skateboarding yesterday afternoon when he fell and ripped his uniform pants. Due to work last night–and concerned about getting “written up” by Blockbuster superiors for not wearing his work-issued khakis–Siebers came up with a harebrained idea. Instead of just calling in sick, he stabbed himself in the leg and showed up at work claiming to have just been attacked by three Hispanic males. Siebers, who told cops he was assaulted as he walked toward the Blockbuster in Edgewater, had a deep stab wound in one leg and several other minor cuts on his face and stomach. As investigators Continue reading…

November 22, 2009 Posted by | Humor | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment